A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."
Off-Topic thread for the Off-Topic forum
Moderator: Bonez
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munchkin1981
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munchkin1981
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Morning Sex!
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when he walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky
day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?" She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when Another man
With a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The
Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at
The dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The
Airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is;
I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the
First man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps
Down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then
Returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good
Boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
Possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the
Police who will apprehend her on arrival."
Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
About, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places
two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is
carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer
Goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then
comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour from a
supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
I m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when he walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky
day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?" She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when Another man
With a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The
Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at
The dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The
Airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is;
I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the
First man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps
Down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then
Returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good
Boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
Possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the
Police who will apprehend her on arrival."
Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
About, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places
two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is
carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer
Goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then
comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour from a
supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
I m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
It wasn't me honest.....it was the cat I'm sweet and innocent one 
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munchkin1981
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies,'Ribbit Lucky frog.' The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies 'Ribbit Las Vegas' ' They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.' The frog replies, 'Ribbit Kiss Me.'He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'
It wasn't me honest.....it was the cat I'm sweet and innocent one
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munchkin1981
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After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly atherbedside. "I have something I must tell you about your baby.." "What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked. "Your baby is an hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has a penis AND a brain?"
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
It wasn't me honest.....it was the cat I'm sweet and innocent one
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munchkin1981
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- Posts: 1166
- Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:05 pm
A New Shop in London's West End "The Husband Store"
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the Entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues Upward.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: **To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.**
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the Entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues Upward.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: **To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.**
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
It wasn't me honest.....it was the cat I'm sweet and innocent one
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munchkin1981
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- Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:05 pm
Your Driver's License Tells It All.....too cute!!
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite.""OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a
divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite.""OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a
divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
It wasn't me honest.....it was the cat I'm sweet and innocent one
Classic-
munchkin1981
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- Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:05 pm
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munchkin1981
- WARSUG top poster
- Posts: 1166
- Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:05 pm
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munchkin1981
- WARSUG top poster
- Posts: 1166
- Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:05 pm